AYBS? Quotes

You'll find these quotes repeated on each episode's page.

Exactly how well-endowed is Mrs. Slocombe?:
Mr. Humphries: "If she burns her bra we'll have to call out the London Fire brigade."
- Pilot

Upon learning of Peacock's Blue Cinema Club membership:
Mr. Humphries: "I wondered why he brought that brown raincoat in the sale!"
- Pilot

More midnight blue:
Mr. Humphries: "Well, if he (Peacock) knows that you know that he goes sitting in that little cinema, where there's no room for their legs and they all have their macks over their knees..."
Mr. Lucas: "How do you know what it looks like?!?"
Mr. Humphries: "My doctor sent me there for therapy."
Mr. Lucas: "Did it work?"
Mr. Humphries: "That's none of your business."
- Pilot

The hard sale:
Mr. Lucas: "What size are you, sir?"
Customer: "As a matter of fact, I was looking for the Gents'."
Mr. Lucas: "In that case, size doesn't really come into it, does it?"
- Pilot

Where exactly does Mr. Humphries live?
Mr. Grainger: "People really seldom curtsy in these days."
Mr. Humphries: "My milkman does."
Mr. Lucas: "You should stop answering the door in a tiara."
Mr. Humphries (smiling): "You've been there early, haven't you?"
- Top Hat and Tails

A foretelling of Erotic Dreams, perhaps?:
Mr. Humphries (referring to Miss Brahms): "She's got a nerve!" Mr. Lucas: "What's the matter now?" Mr. Humphries: "She wants to remove my shirt and put a bra there instead."
- Pilot

On Young Mr. Grace's departure:
Mr. Humphries: "I wonder where he's going?"
Mr. Lucas: "[int.]... a toss up between the bank and the undertaker."
- Pilot

The first meeting in Rumbold's:
Mr. Rumbold: "We are here to discuss Mrs. Slocombe displaying her underwear.
and later on
Mrs. Slocombe: "Look, what's me not having a baby have with him not taking his trousers down?"
- Pilot

On Mr. Rumbold's ears and his/their look on television:
Capt. Peacock: "He looks like a hang-glider."
Director: "I would have said more like a wing-nut."
- Closed Circuit

An unusual excuse for being late:
"The central heating broke down and I had to hold my pussy in front of it. It was frozen solid."
- Mrs. Slocombe, Mrs. Slocombe Expects

The billing on Mr. Spooner's demo tape:
"Chanson D' Amor. Sung by Mr. Spooner. Backed by Mr. Humphries, Mrs. Slocombe and Miss Brahms, with do-da's by Mr. Rumbold and Captain Peacock."
- Mr. Humphries, The Pop Star

Mr. Humphries can't wait to meet the pant-less, rolling-on-the-carpet Roger. Unfortunately...
Customer: (holding up a small dog) "Would you care to measure little Roger? "
Mr. Humphries (to Mr. Lucas): "I'm just going to lie down. Take over."
- The Club

Grace Brothers Idol:
Mr. Rumbold (on phone with Mr. Grace): No, it's not an outbreak of distemper in the pet department. It's the staff on the 4th floor...I see...keep them in quarantine until the store closes."
- The Pop Star

Discussing Mr. Humphries' request to bring outside friends to the club:
Captain Peacock: "I'll put 'Guest List', query."
Mr. Lucas: "That would cover it."
- The Club

The hard sale:
Mr. Lucas: "What size are you, sir?" Customer: "As a matter of fact, I was looking for the Gents'." Mr. Lucas: "In that case, size doesn't really come into it, does it?"
- Pilot

Club ties or not...
Miss Brahms: "Girls don't wear ties!"
Mr. Lucas: "Well, you can have club drawers."
- The Club

...and good morning to you too.
Miss Brahms (upon seeing the new floor dummy): "Is that it? Is that the robot we've all been making the fuss about? Don't look very lifelike to me."
Mr. Humphries (to Miss Brahms): "Well, you don't look very lifelike at this time of the morning come to that."
- Top Hat and Tails

Mr. Humphries: "Are you free, Mr. Lucas?"
Mr. Lucas: "Well, you just seemed to catch me in the middle of nothing."
- The Club

Birthday gift ideas for Mrs. Slocombe...
Capt. Peacock: "Any Suggestions?"
Mr. Grainger: "I vote we give her a cyanide tablet...no, no, I take that back."
Capt. Peacock: "Good."
Mr. Grainger: "Two cyanide tablets, in case the first one doesn't work."
- Fifty Years On

Capt. Peacock complains to Mr. Rumbold about his (Peacock's) lederhosen:
Capt. Peacock: "During our discussion you did tell me that my, my costume would give me the appropriate air of authority. I'm getting a lot of air but very little authority."
- German Week

On Capt. Peacock's posterior wound:
Mr. Goldberg: "People can be very sensitive about boils. So I must ask you, even for my own sake, don't mention anything about it while he's here."
Mr. Humphries: "I won't say a word. I wouldn't be that cheeky."
- The Hero

Mr. Rumbold gets stuck on the roof with the rest of the staff:
Mr. Rumbold: "How an I going to get down?"
Mr. Spooner: "Jump off the parapet (sp) and flap your ears."
- Sit Out

The roof-stranded staff is rescued from a fire:
Fireman: "Right then, who's first?"
Mrs. Slocombe: "I am."
Fireman (shouting down to his partner): "Blimey, Bert, I need the stronger ladder."
- Sit Out

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